Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
Chorus:
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your *love away*(instead of 'place')
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
Chorus
Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
Someday, Someday
It's really weird to think that you would be 17 years old today. You would be a Junior in High School.. Would you be playing basketball? I can imagine so, i mean you are a Niehaus. :)
I think about the day you were supposed to come home, the day we were so excited to have you, and that same day, that you didn't come home, but the next days holding you at your funeral. I know i was only 5 but i see the pain it put mom through, and wish that you could be here today. Maybe if only to fill a void in the house, or maybe we would be close. I don't know, but someday we'll see you again some day. :)
Please pray for my mom and dad this weekend.. it's always hard.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
dreams, and the past
SO..
i've come to a realization about myself that i can no longer brush aside..
I am working really hard at living this positive life, and now that i've discovered the secret, certain things are so much easier.. i really love my life, myself, my job, my friends, my family, Everything.. i honestly couldn't be more blessed and more lucky to live the life that i do.
However, i'm struggling with one thing: putting my past in the past, and moving on.
I don't want to say that i have regrets because i don't ..i'm glad that things have progressed this way thus far, BUT, i still don't give myself enough credit for my accomplishments. I struggle with realizing that i'm human, that my mistakes are okay, and to just forget about them. I have so many dreams and aspirations and i feel like i'm shorting myself out of life. I feel like this world has so much more to offer, and i'm not experiencing it the right way because of my fear to let the past go, and accept defeat, and to surrender that battle.
I try, really hard.. i want to let it go, but it's more difficult than just saying "Go away" lol
I need to realize that i can do anything i want, i can accomplish anything, and i can have whatever i want.. i already have it.. it's within my reach..
Our nation just elected it's first african american president. After the history of this nation, civil rights movements, the civil war, slavery, and all the division we as a nation have gone through, Our Citizens pulled together, united, and voted in it's first Black President.
This is such an historical event in our history, and i'm so proud to be able to witness it, and to be able to pass on the stories to my children, and grandchildren some day. This event, if any should be an eye opener to me, that really, anything is possible. I can overcome my fear, I will overcome my past, and I will prevail..
Let's hope this new President of ours will be able to overcome the idotic notations of politicians, and will be able to lead our country and it's citizens into a more prosperous nation. I'm hoping that he will not make some of the stupid decisions that have been discussed following his election, and i'm hoping that our Country will realize what the greatest need in our nation is. I'm hoping that people will be able to still have the freedom to critisize their President and his decisions, and not be called a racist. I'm hoping that the people of my nation will be able to still own the right to their opinion, and that people will not fold under pressure in fear of persecution. I'm praying that this nation will find a way to unite as one, and to regain the strength we have lost over the past few years.
Most of all, i'm hoping that I will be able to regain the strength that I have lost over the past few years.
i've come to a realization about myself that i can no longer brush aside..
I am working really hard at living this positive life, and now that i've discovered the secret, certain things are so much easier.. i really love my life, myself, my job, my friends, my family, Everything.. i honestly couldn't be more blessed and more lucky to live the life that i do.
However, i'm struggling with one thing: putting my past in the past, and moving on.
I don't want to say that i have regrets because i don't ..i'm glad that things have progressed this way thus far, BUT, i still don't give myself enough credit for my accomplishments. I struggle with realizing that i'm human, that my mistakes are okay, and to just forget about them. I have so many dreams and aspirations and i feel like i'm shorting myself out of life. I feel like this world has so much more to offer, and i'm not experiencing it the right way because of my fear to let the past go, and accept defeat, and to surrender that battle.
I try, really hard.. i want to let it go, but it's more difficult than just saying "Go away" lol
I need to realize that i can do anything i want, i can accomplish anything, and i can have whatever i want.. i already have it.. it's within my reach..
Our nation just elected it's first african american president. After the history of this nation, civil rights movements, the civil war, slavery, and all the division we as a nation have gone through, Our Citizens pulled together, united, and voted in it's first Black President.
This is such an historical event in our history, and i'm so proud to be able to witness it, and to be able to pass on the stories to my children, and grandchildren some day. This event, if any should be an eye opener to me, that really, anything is possible. I can overcome my fear, I will overcome my past, and I will prevail..
Let's hope this new President of ours will be able to overcome the idotic notations of politicians, and will be able to lead our country and it's citizens into a more prosperous nation. I'm hoping that he will not make some of the stupid decisions that have been discussed following his election, and i'm hoping that our Country will realize what the greatest need in our nation is. I'm hoping that people will be able to still have the freedom to critisize their President and his decisions, and not be called a racist. I'm hoping that the people of my nation will be able to still own the right to their opinion, and that people will not fold under pressure in fear of persecution. I'm praying that this nation will find a way to unite as one, and to regain the strength we have lost over the past few years.
Most of all, i'm hoping that I will be able to regain the strength that I have lost over the past few years.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Don't sweat the small stuff
I've spent most of my life sweating stuff... not only do i sweat the small stuff, but i sweat the big stuff, and the medium sized stuff.
I've spent way too much of my life just stressed.
Sure, i've read the "dont sweat the small stuff for.." books and i've always been the encouraging friend who tells you not to worry about it.. but i've been hypocritical.. how could i tell you not to worry about it, when clearly, i was the one who didn't feel "normal" unless i was stressed to the max.
Lately, just out of wanting to feel better, i've realized that it's okay to breathe, and to relax.
I may still stress occasionally but honestly, for almost 3 weeks now, i can not say that i have been stressed.
This weekend, i lapsed, and had an awful awful day on Saturday, but i'm human. i've picked myself up, and it's officially over at this point.
Anywho.. it's really important to prioritize yourself and the things,people, beliefs, thoughts in your life.. this article speaks out loud! :))
Don't forget to laugh today! love love.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=264
I've spent way too much of my life just stressed.
Sure, i've read the "dont sweat the small stuff for.." books and i've always been the encouraging friend who tells you not to worry about it.. but i've been hypocritical.. how could i tell you not to worry about it, when clearly, i was the one who didn't feel "normal" unless i was stressed to the max.
Lately, just out of wanting to feel better, i've realized that it's okay to breathe, and to relax.
I may still stress occasionally but honestly, for almost 3 weeks now, i can not say that i have been stressed.
This weekend, i lapsed, and had an awful awful day on Saturday, but i'm human. i've picked myself up, and it's officially over at this point.
Anywho.. it's really important to prioritize yourself and the things,people, beliefs, thoughts in your life.. this article speaks out loud! :))
Don't forget to laugh today! love love.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=264
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Encouragement
I encourage you all to read this, think about this, and possibly start posting it somewhere in your life where you can read it out loud every day to yourself.
It's very cool... very cool...
Today will be a great day!
I will stay full of faith
Stay full of joy
Stay full of hope
Eat Healthy, Exercise & be kind to everyone I encounter!
If you start your day off on a positive note, it's much more likely to continue being such a great day! :)
Remember, the power of the mind is endless... you can do anything and have anything you want in this universe.. you just have to think and be happy! :)
"What you think about, you bring about"
Love Love
It's very cool... very cool...
Today will be a great day!
I will stay full of faith
Stay full of joy
Stay full of hope
Eat Healthy, Exercise & be kind to everyone I encounter!
If you start your day off on a positive note, it's much more likely to continue being such a great day! :)
Remember, the power of the mind is endless... you can do anything and have anything you want in this universe.. you just have to think and be happy! :)
"What you think about, you bring about"
Love Love
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The things that get me through the hard times
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than apprearance, giftedness, or skill.
It will make or break a company....a church...a home.
The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."
"all that we are is the result of what we have thought" - Buddha
"all power if from within, and therefore under our control" - Robert Collier
"what you think about, you bring about"
"Wealth is the product of man's ability to think." -Ayn Rand
"The key is to have a dream that inspires us to go beyond our limits." -Robert Kriegel
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.
Buddha
Friendship is the only cure for hatred, the only guarantee of peace.
Buddha
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
Buddha
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
Buddha
I challenge all of my blog readers to go out and buy "The Secret" .. read it... don't just look at the words, actually read it.. take it in, and live it.. it's the secret to life..
it can change you.. remember, nothing is permanent.. what you think about you bring about.
happy happy
Attitude to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than apprearance, giftedness, or skill.
It will make or break a company....a church...a home.
The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."
"all that we are is the result of what we have thought" - Buddha
"all power if from within, and therefore under our control" - Robert Collier
"what you think about, you bring about"
"Wealth is the product of man's ability to think." -Ayn Rand
"The key is to have a dream that inspires us to go beyond our limits." -Robert Kriegel
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt
All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.
Buddha
Friendship is the only cure for hatred, the only guarantee of peace.
Buddha
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
Buddha
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
Buddha
I challenge all of my blog readers to go out and buy "The Secret" .. read it... don't just look at the words, actually read it.. take it in, and live it.. it's the secret to life..
it can change you.. remember, nothing is permanent.. what you think about you bring about.
happy happy
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
New Years Resolution
I recently just read the attached blog on sparkpeople, and instantly felt the connection.
It spoke so much to me. I am starting on sparkpeople today, because of the fact that i didn't want to set myself up to fail on yet another New Year's resolution to lose weight. I love the analogy with the Cinderella story, and setting dreams with the resolutions attached. So, here are mine for 2009, although i have more than 3 (reaching for the sky) :)
Dreams:
1. Save My Money
2. Form a stronger relationship with God
3. Be able to wear a little black dress for my 22nd Birthday
4. Finish my CDA
Resolutions
1. Save Money
a) I will save all of my change every day in a jar
b) I will deposit at least $10.00 from every pay check into a seperate savings account
c) I will pay off my 3 lowest credit cards in 2009
2. Form stronger relationship with God
a) I will attend church more regularly
b) I will intensely, rather than casually read the new bible i received
c) I will open myself up to God through prayer, and learn to trust him with my inner most thoughts again
3. Fitting into that dress by November 8, 2009
a) I will follow sparkpeople and won't stray away for any reason
b) I will workout at the gym 5-6 days a week (EVERY WEEK)
c) I will not eat fast food on a regular basis
d) I will limit myself to only Diet Pop, and only on special occassions
e) I will tell myself every day that i am beautiful and skinny
4. Finish my CDA
a) I will cash in my savings bonds
b) I will start the CDA books by February
c) I will do them as needed, and mail them in as soon as finished
d) I will focus on moving into the lead preschool position by fall 2009
Everything that i need to accomplish my dreams for 2009 is right here in front of me.
It's up to me, and only me now!
yay me! :)
www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=lis
t_3_wishes_and_resolve_to_make_them_co
me_true
It spoke so much to me. I am starting on sparkpeople today, because of the fact that i didn't want to set myself up to fail on yet another New Year's resolution to lose weight. I love the analogy with the Cinderella story, and setting dreams with the resolutions attached. So, here are mine for 2009, although i have more than 3 (reaching for the sky) :)
Dreams:
1. Save My Money
2. Form a stronger relationship with God
3. Be able to wear a little black dress for my 22nd Birthday
4. Finish my CDA
Resolutions
1. Save Money
a) I will save all of my change every day in a jar
b) I will deposit at least $10.00 from every pay check into a seperate savings account
c) I will pay off my 3 lowest credit cards in 2009
2. Form stronger relationship with God
a) I will attend church more regularly
b) I will intensely, rather than casually read the new bible i received
c) I will open myself up to God through prayer, and learn to trust him with my inner most thoughts again
3. Fitting into that dress by November 8, 2009
a) I will follow sparkpeople and won't stray away for any reason
b) I will workout at the gym 5-6 days a week (EVERY WEEK)
c) I will not eat fast food on a regular basis
d) I will limit myself to only Diet Pop, and only on special occassions
e) I will tell myself every day that i am beautiful and skinny
4. Finish my CDA
a) I will cash in my savings bonds
b) I will start the CDA books by February
c) I will do them as needed, and mail them in as soon as finished
d) I will focus on moving into the lead preschool position by fall 2009
Everything that i need to accomplish my dreams for 2009 is right here in front of me.
It's up to me, and only me now!
yay me! :)
www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=lis
t_3_wishes_and_resolve_to_make_them_co
me_true
Monday, December 29, 2008
okay, so here we go. i'm back at it again.
Today, i re-signed up for a website called sparkpeople.com
This is the website that helped me lose almost 30 pounds last year. I realy love the site, and i love the people i've met through the site. It's more than just a diet, it's a weight loss program, but it also helps you create a healthy lifestyle. Sure, you probably don't want to hear about my weight loss problems and all of that junk, BUT, part of this program is realizing reality, and opening up about it.
I have shut my friends out for so long, so this is my way of sharing my story.
I posted the following blog on my sparkpeople blog, but thought it was a good idea to share it here, as it would be a start in using my friends as support through this journey which has just begun, again. :)
Alright here it goes: I have been overweight for as long as i can remember. I remember trying to diet in jr. high, and when i reached a size 12, i was so happy. Of course, i didn't stay there very long, but since turning 12, i think that's the lowest size and weight i've ever been. I am short, so this much weight really makes for an oddly shaped person. ;) I am solid as well. I was a 4 sport varsity athlete in high school, and was always on the go, so i have a lot of muscle still, but most of it is just nasty fat. I've always been heavier on the scale than what i appear due to my solid, full figure, and my body being directly porportional.. everything on me is huge. :) I've always blamed my weight on stress. In High school, on top of working 2 jobs, playing 4 varsity sports, being the oldest of 7 children with a full time college student as a mother, and a father who lived in Oklahoma for half of my high school career, i also was student council president, class secretary, and president, SADD vice president, NHS secretary, a member of the Jackson area teen advisory panel, a peer mentor, and a teacher's aide, as well as working on the presidential campaign trail my senior year. Sure, i had a more than full schedule, and led a very unhealthy, and stressfull life. Looking back now, i can't imagine how i had the confidence to be such a vocal, and open person to so many people. After graduation from High School, i started college, left all of my leadership loves behind, and just went to the community college. I did well my first year, but then became depressed. I gained a lot of weight, lost some friends, and started hating myself. I resented who i was, and what i was doing with my life. I resented everything that had made me who i was, including my faith, which i hypocritically claimed was so important to me. I fell in to a deep funk, a funk that no one was aware of. I, still to this day have not verbally opened up as much as i should have to my friends and family about how low i really was. I never wanted to kill myself, or resort to anything of the such, but i was severelly depressed. With my depression, i worked stupid jobs that i hated, put on a sorry front for people, appeared as a bitch, and made some awfully stupid decisions, said stupid things, and fell apart from some family members. I seriously HATED who i was, and made excuses for myself, and why i felt that way. I'm not sure what i was that exactly pulled me out of the low funk i was in, but somehow, i managed to come back to life. It took a long time, but i finally realized that the life i was living was pathetic. Since graduating High School in 2005, i had gained almost 100 pounds. I joined sparkpeople in January of 2008, and lost a quick 30 pounds by April. I fell off the bandwagon, and gained more than half of that weight back. In November, as my 21st birthday approached, i stepped on the scale, and fell into reality. I couldn't believe what i was seeing before my eyes. My goal had been to be "hot" for my 21st celebration, and here i was, almost right back where i started. I didn't even want to go out, because i was embarrassed of what i had let myself become again. I started a weight loss challenge with my best friend, and started out doing great. I got sick, thanksgiving approached, and fell off again. I did it by myself, and since November 10th have lost 8 pounds. I am not longer as close as i was to my original weight, but i am far from any goals i have. I know who i am. I am beautiful, but i am also disgusting. I know that i am a good person, and i know what i am capable of. I am confident with who i am continuing to become on the inside, and i know what i am capable of on the outside. I know that skin deep, i am beautiful. BUT, i'm realistic. Standing Naked, i am disgusting. There is no other word to describe it. I want to change how i feel about that, and i want to change how people see me from the outside. When people see me, i'm sure they see the inside, and i'm sure they see me as a beautiful person, but i want to be more than beautiful, i want to be healthy, and truly happy with who i am on the outside. I am me, I am happy as me, and i know that that is all that matters in this world. I love myself, and i am confident that i 'm doing something with my life, and becoming the person i've always dreamed of, but i feel i can do so much more, and that these goals need to be obtained and accomplished for me to really be successful in this life. Today, my friends still don't know how far in that hole i really was, or why and how i became so depressed. I think for as low as i was, i did a damn good job of hiding behind something fake. I wish i felt comfortable opening up to my friends about my depression , and the life that i lived for so long, but it's so personal to me, and i really don't have any explanations, so i can't do that. I hope they read this blog, and realize how thankful that i am to have them in my life. I am so thankful that they never gave up on me, even in my darkest hours, because without them, i wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be the person i am, and i wouldnt have been able to rise from such a huge fall if i didn't have the support and non judgemental feelings of the greatest friends this world has to offer. I hope this blog serves its purpose in putting that past behind me finally, and moving on to 2009 with higher goals set for myself to accomplish, and much closer to reach. 2009 is going to be great, that's all it takes: Positive thinking and positive reinforcement. The power of my mind is endless.. "what you think about, you bring about!"
Today, i re-signed up for a website called sparkpeople.com
This is the website that helped me lose almost 30 pounds last year. I realy love the site, and i love the people i've met through the site. It's more than just a diet, it's a weight loss program, but it also helps you create a healthy lifestyle. Sure, you probably don't want to hear about my weight loss problems and all of that junk, BUT, part of this program is realizing reality, and opening up about it.
I have shut my friends out for so long, so this is my way of sharing my story.
I posted the following blog on my sparkpeople blog, but thought it was a good idea to share it here, as it would be a start in using my friends as support through this journey which has just begun, again. :)
Alright here it goes: I have been overweight for as long as i can remember. I remember trying to diet in jr. high, and when i reached a size 12, i was so happy. Of course, i didn't stay there very long, but since turning 12, i think that's the lowest size and weight i've ever been. I am short, so this much weight really makes for an oddly shaped person. ;) I am solid as well. I was a 4 sport varsity athlete in high school, and was always on the go, so i have a lot of muscle still, but most of it is just nasty fat. I've always been heavier on the scale than what i appear due to my solid, full figure, and my body being directly porportional.. everything on me is huge. :) I've always blamed my weight on stress. In High school, on top of working 2 jobs, playing 4 varsity sports, being the oldest of 7 children with a full time college student as a mother, and a father who lived in Oklahoma for half of my high school career, i also was student council president, class secretary, and president, SADD vice president, NHS secretary, a member of the Jackson area teen advisory panel, a peer mentor, and a teacher's aide, as well as working on the presidential campaign trail my senior year. Sure, i had a more than full schedule, and led a very unhealthy, and stressfull life. Looking back now, i can't imagine how i had the confidence to be such a vocal, and open person to so many people. After graduation from High School, i started college, left all of my leadership loves behind, and just went to the community college. I did well my first year, but then became depressed. I gained a lot of weight, lost some friends, and started hating myself. I resented who i was, and what i was doing with my life. I resented everything that had made me who i was, including my faith, which i hypocritically claimed was so important to me. I fell in to a deep funk, a funk that no one was aware of. I, still to this day have not verbally opened up as much as i should have to my friends and family about how low i really was. I never wanted to kill myself, or resort to anything of the such, but i was severelly depressed. With my depression, i worked stupid jobs that i hated, put on a sorry front for people, appeared as a bitch, and made some awfully stupid decisions, said stupid things, and fell apart from some family members. I seriously HATED who i was, and made excuses for myself, and why i felt that way. I'm not sure what i was that exactly pulled me out of the low funk i was in, but somehow, i managed to come back to life. It took a long time, but i finally realized that the life i was living was pathetic. Since graduating High School in 2005, i had gained almost 100 pounds. I joined sparkpeople in January of 2008, and lost a quick 30 pounds by April. I fell off the bandwagon, and gained more than half of that weight back. In November, as my 21st birthday approached, i stepped on the scale, and fell into reality. I couldn't believe what i was seeing before my eyes. My goal had been to be "hot" for my 21st celebration, and here i was, almost right back where i started. I didn't even want to go out, because i was embarrassed of what i had let myself become again. I started a weight loss challenge with my best friend, and started out doing great. I got sick, thanksgiving approached, and fell off again. I did it by myself, and since November 10th have lost 8 pounds. I am not longer as close as i was to my original weight, but i am far from any goals i have. I know who i am. I am beautiful, but i am also disgusting. I know that i am a good person, and i know what i am capable of. I am confident with who i am continuing to become on the inside, and i know what i am capable of on the outside. I know that skin deep, i am beautiful. BUT, i'm realistic. Standing Naked, i am disgusting. There is no other word to describe it. I want to change how i feel about that, and i want to change how people see me from the outside. When people see me, i'm sure they see the inside, and i'm sure they see me as a beautiful person, but i want to be more than beautiful, i want to be healthy, and truly happy with who i am on the outside. I am me, I am happy as me, and i know that that is all that matters in this world. I love myself, and i am confident that i 'm doing something with my life, and becoming the person i've always dreamed of, but i feel i can do so much more, and that these goals need to be obtained and accomplished for me to really be successful in this life. Today, my friends still don't know how far in that hole i really was, or why and how i became so depressed. I think for as low as i was, i did a damn good job of hiding behind something fake. I wish i felt comfortable opening up to my friends about my depression , and the life that i lived for so long, but it's so personal to me, and i really don't have any explanations, so i can't do that. I hope they read this blog, and realize how thankful that i am to have them in my life. I am so thankful that they never gave up on me, even in my darkest hours, because without them, i wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be the person i am, and i wouldnt have been able to rise from such a huge fall if i didn't have the support and non judgemental feelings of the greatest friends this world has to offer. I hope this blog serves its purpose in putting that past behind me finally, and moving on to 2009 with higher goals set for myself to accomplish, and much closer to reach. 2009 is going to be great, that's all it takes: Positive thinking and positive reinforcement. The power of my mind is endless.. "what you think about, you bring about!"
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