okay, so here we go. i'm back at it again.
Today, i re-signed up for a website called sparkpeople.com
This is the website that helped me lose almost 30 pounds last year. I realy love the site, and i love the people i've met through the site. It's more than just a diet, it's a weight loss program, but it also helps you create a healthy lifestyle. Sure, you probably don't want to hear about my weight loss problems and all of that junk, BUT, part of this program is realizing reality, and opening up about it.
I have shut my friends out for so long, so this is my way of sharing my story.
I posted the following blog on my sparkpeople blog, but thought it was a good idea to share it here, as it would be a start in using my friends as support through this journey which has just begun, again. :)


Alright here it goes: I have been overweight for as long as i can remember. I remember trying to diet in jr. high, and when i reached a size 12, i was so happy. Of course, i didn't stay there very long, but since turning 12, i think that's the lowest size and weight i've ever been. I am short, so this much weight really makes for an oddly shaped person. ;) I am solid as well. I was a 4 sport varsity athlete in high school, and was always on the go, so i have a lot of muscle still, but most of it is just nasty fat. I've always been heavier on the scale than what i appear due to my solid, full figure, and my body being directly porportional.. everything on me is huge. :) I've always blamed my weight on stress. In High school, on top of working 2 jobs, playing 4 varsity sports, being the oldest of 7 children with a full time college student as a mother, and a father who lived in Oklahoma for half of my high school career, i also was student council president, class secretary, and president, SADD vice president, NHS secretary, a member of the Jackson area teen advisory panel, a peer mentor, and a teacher's aide, as well as working on the presidential campaign trail my senior year. Sure, i had a more than full schedule, and led a very unhealthy, and stressfull life. Looking back now, i can't imagine how i had the confidence to be such a vocal, and open person to so many people. After graduation from High School, i started college, left all of my leadership loves behind, and just went to the community college. I did well my first year, but then became depressed. I gained a lot of weight, lost some friends, and started hating myself. I resented who i was, and what i was doing with my life. I resented everything that had made me who i was, including my faith, which i hypocritically claimed was so important to me. I fell in to a deep funk, a funk that no one was aware of. I, still to this day have not verbally opened up as much as i should have to my friends and family about how low i really was. I never wanted to kill myself, or resort to anything of the such, but i was severelly depressed. With my depression, i worked stupid jobs that i hated, put on a sorry front for people, appeared as a bitch, and made some awfully stupid decisions, said stupid things, and fell apart from some family members. I seriously HATED who i was, and made excuses for myself, and why i felt that way. I'm not sure what i was that exactly pulled me out of the low funk i was in, but somehow, i managed to come back to life. It took a long time, but i finally realized that the life i was living was pathetic. Since graduating High School in 2005, i had gained almost 100 pounds. I joined sparkpeople in January of 2008, and lost a quick 30 pounds by April. I fell off the bandwagon, and gained more than half of that weight back. In November, as my 21st birthday approached, i stepped on the scale, and fell into reality. I couldn't believe what i was seeing before my eyes. My goal had been to be "hot" for my 21st celebration, and here i was, almost right back where i started. I didn't even want to go out, because i was embarrassed of what i had let myself become again. I started a weight loss challenge with my best friend, and started out doing great. I got sick, thanksgiving approached, and fell off again. I did it by myself, and since November 10th have lost 8 pounds. I am not longer as close as i was to my original weight, but i am far from any goals i have. I know who i am. I am beautiful, but i am also disgusting. I know that i am a good person, and i know what i am capable of. I am confident with who i am continuing to become on the inside, and i know what i am capable of on the outside. I know that skin deep, i am beautiful. BUT, i'm realistic. Standing Naked, i am disgusting. There is no other word to describe it. I want to change how i feel about that, and i want to change how people see me from the outside. When people see me, i'm sure they see the inside, and i'm sure they see me as a beautiful person, but i want to be more than beautiful, i want to be healthy, and truly happy with who i am on the outside. I am me, I am happy as me, and i know that that is all that matters in this world. I love myself, and i am confident that i 'm doing something with my life, and becoming the person i've always dreamed of, but i feel i can do so much more, and that these goals need to be obtained and accomplished for me to really be successful in this life. Today, my friends still don't know how far in that hole i really was, or why and how i became so depressed. I think for as low as i was, i did a damn good job of hiding behind something fake. I wish i felt comfortable opening up to my friends about my depression , and the life that i lived for so long, but it's so personal to me, and i really don't have any explanations, so i can't do that. I hope they read this blog, and realize how thankful that i am to have them in my life. I am so thankful that they never gave up on me, even in my darkest hours, because without them, i wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be the person i am, and i wouldnt have been able to rise from such a huge fall if i didn't have the support and non judgemental feelings of the greatest friends this world has to offer. I hope this blog serves its purpose in putting that past behind me finally, and moving on to 2009 with higher goals set for myself to accomplish, and much closer to reach. 2009 is going to be great, that's all it takes: Positive thinking and positive reinforcement. The power of my mind is endless.. "what you think about, you bring about!"